received from Barbara Golden on oct 20 1996 copyright 4030w

Journals 83, 84

May 27 83

I get up earlier and earlier each day. Morning triangle, me in pink satin night dresses and the blue enamel coffee pot on low gas on the burner , can reach with my left hand and get coffee, the TV, new for $30, or the red telephone. Grey morning it will heat up, feel alive again. Have three dates today at least: 9 oclock, breakfast with Akal, one, movies with Andrew, 7 party small dinner at Kelly and Cindy. I miss T.P. though I made an interesting slip instead of saying to Cindy he threatened to kill me, I said instead, he "offered" to kill me. Woke up screaming 2 nights ago, someone taking a knife and cutting my butt. Saw Wim Wenders . Sang with Arkansas Man at "On Broadway" last Sat. The song I sang :

Put alot of stuff Up our nose The moon was full Come back in an hour Should I do it It's not right Should I do it It's not right. The night was Not young but the moon was full. It was forbidden, it was tabu But what else was there to do? Should I do it? It's not right Should I do it, it's not right The moon was full What the hell You only live once and look what's happening In Beirut and Grenada, all over the world The moon is full, Go for it Our clothes fell off We devoured each other Eat devour, eat devour Suck bite grab bump grind suck touch Grab bite hard OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAWWWWWWWWWOWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHH

Happy on Sunday, slept late, played piano, had a fast swim, met Bob A and Melody at Jesse's, saw all of Perfect Lives at Phil makanna's nice party, but I was running after the boys doing drugs, wanting some so bad, not having been asked, later hating myself. but midst all the self-hate some satisfaction because Bob said" You're doing the right thing--you're one of my stories, it starts out funny and ends up spiritual."

7PM 11/11/83 Lying in bed, Dylan on the cassette, just finished reading Melody's story "My Pleasure" weeping because it's so perfect, it sometimes reminds me of parts of my own life, I want to score it, voices, strings, electronics. Sections AM-food; PM man, drink, drugs, music, dream, sleep. I want to do it so much. The framework is so perfect, I weep in frustration and longingness to make it perfect.

Monday night 6:30 PM Just got back from B's party which started at 4 on Sunday afternoon. I made all the food: 5 chickens, 10 lbs. of potatoes, 2 eggplant parmesans, 5 garlic breads, apple crisp, chocolate chip squares. Bought 1/4 gram of nose, just to have it and not be dependent, took M & s. , then Glenn in for a toot, but it still splits up the party. At the show the lights were out for S's piece, not just dark, but pitch dark, you could not see your hand a few inches from your face. Also the door was locked so no one could go in or out. S started the piece very beautiful and minimal, where is Glenn it's the perfect opportunity to make out. Oh, there is ---. I feel like giving some head. It took a while to decide to shuffle over. When she was very near he said, "Who's that?" Barb. god it's so dark we agreed. He brought it up, what she was thinking about anyway. It's perfect timing. That's why I came over she said. He was silent, Then , be my guest, he said. She caressed him through his jeans then slipped her hand in his clothing to hold him. She ran a hand over his buttocks and breasts in a few seconds he put it in her mouth, they giggled nervously not knowing when the lights would go on, he didn't get all that hard and in minutes the lights went on slowly, the piece was supposed to have been 20 minutes and seemed much shorter. it was such a kick, that was exotic, he said. Time goes fast when yr having fun.

11/19 Longing for some special love and affection , alone. M & M came over, we drank tequila and oj, weed, nose drugs. Sunday brunch. Watching newsclips from Kennedy assassination probably the most proud and optimistic time in America since early 50s, now they've killed JFK, Bobby, MLK, why that was the end or the beginning of the end. In bed watching TV drinking coffee. Went to nevada City with C & T, him to score weed, her to retrieve her instrument me, to get away for 24 hours.. The car freezing , pouring rain, we drank Bushmills, smoked up, checked into huge plastic motel room. T got 48 Hours to watch, and big chili cheeseburgers that we ate in bed, I painted non-stop while they bickered and argued and nagged at each other. Drove back in huge rainstorm which miraculously cleared up. Went with Chris to Helen's mom for Thanksgiving dinner, really fun but I was exhausted. Jane Dornacker was there, hysterically funny person, the food superbly wonderful, went to the ocean through a dark, water-filled tunnel, there were the tiniest clouds of light left over form the sunset, the palest aqua, orange, and purple. We ran on the wet sand just wispy shadows. Beautiful beachy food-filled times with Helen and Ange.

11/28 Was at kathy's in Mill Valley big typesetting place, the music for the cookbook is being run off. The recipes are printed already. They are really funny. M was pretty disgusted with the music, thought it was a mess. And then he criticized some of the new hearts saying they were schizophrenic and childlike and not like the others. Saw John Cage, as usual, great, inventive. T stood me up.

DREAMT that Eileen walked into my room and said, What is that smell, it smells like diarrhea. I looked at the mattress, the sheets, sodden, I was so dirty, that the entire shape of my body was a black silhouette on the sheets, I was mortified! Low self-image, dirty, damaged goods, no guy, fat, now a new one , a sloppy slovenly artist.

DREAMT that I was at a rock concert, wandering around, suddenly I was handed a large block of comps, but I was totally alone, a man said, well shall I include the two Barbaras in the group as well, Yes i said I'll take the two Barbaras' tickets. By then the show had started. I couldn't find the original people the 2 tickets were for. I wandered about aimlessly and then wadded the tickets up and left. Oh, and when they handed me the tickets originally they also gave me a big stuffed animal, shiny black vinyl.

DREAMT that I had smooth small green glass pieces coming out of my ears, like the glass you get at the beach.

DREAMT that I was in a luxurious house in Norway with large plate glass windows looking out onto 3 high peaks. Suddenly guns form behind the peaks were starting to strafe at us. People were not panicked, just resigned and walked about with crash helmets and buckets on their heads. DREAMT in a city like Venice under bridges burning up, woke up screaming, burning, walked through the streets the heads of dogs and cats everywhere. Tiny voodoo dolls in my room and on the walls.The dreams are filled with grotesque and horrifying Dantesque elements, probably the horror of my relationship with T, but I have no fear in the dreams most of the time.

HAPPY 1984 BARBIE. Fat still, never wrote the chamber piece but BOOK AT THE PRINTERS. Did malvina revue, Ligeti piece, will tour a bit with the book, Montreal, and New York at least. Who did I fuck in 83? C, T a psychopath, M married, Montreal MT married, Gilles married and blind, RK, dead, Glenn, moved, TJ. But swim alot, love Fine Print, dance classes, longer hair.

To my journal: 1/26/84 got you back at last, my only constant lover and companion. You stay with me, silent and approachable, non judgmental , not argumentative, accepting. I am working on two important things, thinking about "My Pleasure" and do dance classes. love my hair being longer, hate my pot growing bigger. DDREAMT on a journey to a house on the edge of the sea, passed zebras, lions, leopards that looked stuffed, and then came to life, very intense and beautiful. The road was made of polished stone and very rutted but the conveyance, whatever it was moved smoothly and surely. I was a little nervous but not frightened or panicked.

Headline: Miracle Recovery for the frozen Boy. Well the book is out and melody and I are having drinks with Charles Shere and Dianan Ketchum the book reviewer for the newspaper. On Kris Welch's show for the book, and the party tonight omigod. Feb 14 84. Played "Dreamer" the girls version, 120, a cut form Final spin "Take your hands off me" and my versions of Someday My Prince will come, and Stardust. The party a smash, The Mutants and Arkansas man played, I made 20 lbs of chicken salad, the crackers were under the table, so people ate with their hands, we were really high. Auditioned for SF Symphony chorus and got in . Alvin Lucier concert what a fuckin trip. Drank Cutty Sark with B, B, M, A, and did lines in the ensemble room. T. told me he has a nude pic of me. Getting horny but who to fuck, only two appeal to me and I am not sure.

2/21/84 Today I got married. The wedding a blast, Stevie, Mel, mary, marc drinking champagne, eating salmon, did pills, we ran into the ocean with our clothes on, screaming and laughing. DREAMT that I was on tour with Fine Print. Lay in yellow green furry grass on a hillside. Sandy swimming in water by the sea but fenced off with wire like a swimming lane. A foreign aristocrat flirted and kissed me.

mar 6 last night I have to say made the best dinner ever, artichokes with mayo, oil, dill curry. Garlic bread. Baked stuffed shrimp, fries, spinach and blue cheese salad, chocolate mousse with grated lemon rind. Dreamt I lost all my keys and camping equipment. Getting nosebleeds , surreal, Sansome Street and the INS. Sink your teeth into my thing, I'll wrap my fat thighs round your fat cheeks, shudder and moan. Irving Layton in San Jose, on a hillside over apple orchards, trees in bloom, drove with mare and Melody, drank Mimosas, had bread and cheese, Irving read to us and told them how wild I had been in Greece.

mar 19, reading Bukowski, it's fuckin wonderful. He picked me up drunk , we were going to see Peter Garland and willie. He kept slamming on the brakes, my hand was hurting and my head kept hitting the window. Finally he found a parking spot and said get out you bitch your cunt tastes like fish, your clit tastes like fish, your slit tastes like fish, Fish is good, I said. The concert was sensational the first piece. but by then the reaction to violence and loss had set in and I cried and cried. Everytime the drum thudded it made tears stream from by eyes, I was sobbing but totally silent, I had been all dressed up in black, then when I got home I had forgotten my keys so G & W took me to C's I lay on her bed totally dressed with the mandolin and the Casio on the bed and phoned every few minutes from midnight to 4, no answer, finally at 4 I took off my clothes and went to sleep, dreamt C stuck a vibrator up my ass, in the AM it turned out that they didn't answer the phone because they thought it was him. Finally walked home in the morning, bawled them out, cleaned, did dishes, tidied, threw out garbage, swam a mile at mills, went to Jesses w G & W came back C came over, talked played Yahtzee, she altered a dress of mine, B came over talked did one line, perfect read all evening, decided on peace, not too much socializing, get doctor appt and picture and fingerprint thing done this week, make some money for the tour, get press packet ready. Feel strong, thin, even tho I'm fat, unbound, solitary. Feel real despair because I haven't composed or painted wanted to use this week well, but feel tight, haven't fucked since jan 1. Could have but didn't like the meat. Swam a mile on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, thursday, went to Jesse's with C, played Yahtzee, ate burritos dreamt lived by the sea in a house , went to Ivy's and then to hear Irving read, met Lawrence Ferlinghetti that was a thrill. Coney Island of the Mind was my major poetry influence. Listening to nashville skyline, remembered Dead Boy saying he would soap his hand and jerk off and come too fast. Lay lady lay, lay across my big brass bed. Went to Chinatown to get doc's certificate for green card, C came with me, we ate pork buns in the car. Dreamt that C gave Liz my two green jade elephants and she was wearing them.

DREAMT the sky and intense blue, looking on Laguna from Haight, suddenly saw the sun a big ball in the sky, plus a full moon beside it, then the mist swirled in quickly hiding the skyscrapers dramatically hiding the sun and moon. then the fog felt gaseous, very swirly and tendrils everywhere. the scene looked like Broadway boogie woogie, lights people cars, moving very rapidly as if in a grid and we saw it all as if from a height. I had been with Bob and Rudy. Need to buy some white watercolor paint, also rose, want to use more pinks and aquas.. Better get a new book, this is the last page, go swimming, go to jesses for a burrito......

4/8/84 An excellent dinner guest. He came over with wine and cocaine. Her hair is streaked and curly. she wore a low cut dressing gown and amber jewelry. His wife is not turned on, he is adorable, wiry hair, blue eyes, big dick. they drank some wine and did a coupa lines on her bed, watched TV talked and gossiped companionably. Like the old friends that they were. She made thick rare steaks in wine, fried potatoes, a spinach and feta salad, they talked about sex constantly. she was happy she had just taken a shower and was naked under her dress. "Aren't you going to give me a little snuggle?" she asked, sure he said. he lay beside her like a spoon, they hugged hard, hard, she turned to him and they kissed so hard, her tongue kept darting into his mouth and darting out. He kissed her breasts, he got down on her, bite it she said, she was starting to get hot, she wrapped her legs round his head and moaned. Your clit got big he said she kneeled and took him in her mouth. It's soft, he said, so what, she said it started to grow I want to come in your mouth, no I want you to come in my cunt, Oh well, let me put it in you now, but it's soft SO WHAT, I like it when it starts out soft, stuff it in, ...Right from the start it felt good, it got harder and harder, she began to scream, your making me come again, you are making me come, he came too, it was curious, it was friendly and physical not too much passion. Perfect! I hate to eat and run he joked as we did the last line of coke, Come anytime said she, you've been an excellent guest.

DREAMT had property with a glass barn, hexagonal panes, no curtinas nothing. Had a baby and never fed it, it never cried, it was slowly starving and dying, saw it and held it occasionally. Sex dream with my cunt on my first husband's fee, we didn't fuck but the bed and bedding awash with come and semen. This dream on Friday the 13th.

Easter sunday 84. One of the glorious sunny windy SF days, 4 PM in the kitchen, just squeezed about a dozen little pimples on my left thigh, it's all red and swollen was all right for a while now glum, watched All My children with C & T. Better do a painting. april 28 Large quake, 6.2 Sitting at the bar at jesse's on my 3rd beer, said to Rod, You run a mean bar here. Feel passive, don't want to even practise piano let alone compose and it is worrisome, recurring dreams that saw some of my old paintings one of Irving and they were so professional and beautiful and I 'd think, why cant I do this anymore, also dreamt swimming in the ocean or in a canal, the water oily, gritty, and almost granular, dark dark inky midnight blue, almost black. Must say tho, got alot of pleasure fixing my room, took all day Friday. Very empty, bare walls, very happy.

may 2 Early in AM moved the car, cuz it is Wednesday, just got my period on the dot of 28 days. Monday we went to the dreaded Sansome Street which lived up to its name, really interrogated, after went to Cliff House for champagne and oJ, came home and fucked, new bed so much fun, big puffy comforter, blue sheets with gladiolas. sold a book to Alice at choir, must learn the fugue.

DREAMT of this tiny tiger/lion cub who is quite fierce and wild but very small and tamish.

Went swimming with G. We drove across the Bay Bridge with his hand on my clit inside my panty hose, my hand down his jeans. In the tunnel he threw bottle rockets out the windows. Came home and ground into each other's bodies, threw off our clothes it was very fast, have no idea what happened except a roaring like the ocean, intense and hot and fast, writhing, groaning and hard, came then ran and showered together, wish it could happen more.

Great CCM beach party at Muir Beach. Brought hibachi, charcoal, made hotdogs in buns for everyone, nude beach we all went swimming, s a hairy girl, exhilarating. Up and down every moment, happy loving possessive jealous cool hip angry sensitive wondering confused ecstatic, worried, don't want to make more of something than it is. All I want to do is swim watch TV play music eat drink. i like working at Fine Print alot but I cant work on my own stuff, I have no concentration , I feel a pressure to make art but I don't do it nor do I want to. Money a problem, don't have any not even enough for food, not working enough. maybe it's time to die. I go through so many changes. I feel like I'm pushing in my teeth and breaking my nose. Just want someone in this house. Just as I said this the front door unlocked, I was so scared but it was marc.

I just started missing S. and all the fun we had when I lived on Leona, and then in the Castle, and how we stayed up all night, because he was helping me with a Steve Reich piece, he helped me with all my pieces and videos.

Feel better we went with the books to Old Wives Tale, Bookplate, Clean Well Lighted Place, they were all grabbing the books. Met Debra my dance teacher with Angela Davis her girlfriend at the bookstore. Was supposed to meet mel at her house waited on the steps of her house, wrote Tampon Rag, went to the bank, went to Kwik way and got a corn dog (called a Pogo in Montreal) fries, a coke, went to Melody's and there she was. Feel better. Am on Sheila's radio program, the Girls are singing my songs, working on My Pleasure, choir, Archduke Trio for my birthday, book parties in New York and Montreal. Listening to Leonard cohen not realizing i would be interviewing him soon, crying because last time I heard this song was with Dead Boy. Did box office at Laney College for Everybody's, fascinated by black people, they are so beautiful. I am happy and diverted for a while then down and blue. The Tubes concert a gas, Prairie gave us back stage passes for Great America with all the rides free, but I was too chicken to go on the tough rides. That is why when I was in NYC later that year, I went on the Cyclone, the roughest ride roller coaster I have ever been on and that night met D.

Nevertheless no matter how down I am at heart I must be happy because in the sunny windy kitchen i took pleasure form an orange and an apple on the counter. they pleased me.

6/13/84 Patterned petunias, pansies, pennants fitful flutter first thoughts of the day, delicate, tremulous balance Too soon the tumbrils rool search for a pencil but find a vibrator, the muse is out to lunch at a Gathering of transvestites Orange juice awaits.

6/29 That's it not starting up with anyone all of 84 and 85. Birthday, 43, resolutions get under 125, write chamber music. July 4th 1984, hi book 8 PM Wed nite, bummed out, been playing pretty hard, one year ago today saw Richard Kelly for the last time the nite before at the Lake at his parent's house, watched fireworks, made corn, roasted a hotdog, drank a lot of white wine, kelly listened incessantly to Leonard and ludwig, he threw me onto the train a year ago and i screamed, hurry up get off, you'll be on the train while it starts, as if he'd care, never saw him again. His face was hollow and his eyes were dead.

Outrageous date with M last nite, he and J came to get me at midnight, I was fast asleep, changed into my slutty aqua dress and jacket, blue pumps, went to a party in Montclair, Danced alot to a live band, smoked dope, did a little coke, just enough, drove over the bridge going down on him, my dress up around my neck his hands up my butt and cunt, to out of the car, his dick hanging stiff out of his trousers and up the stairs, tore off my clothes, unbuttened his shirt, pulled off his trousers and socks it was such a relief to be naked, he's so soft and white and round and doughy. Opened my legs real wide and he ran the vibrator over my clit and stuck his fingers up my butt. It felt real good, amazing sex, very different than before, he said would you sit on my face sat for ages, his whiskers felt good against my cunt, when I went to pee I noticed it was 5 M. Went swimming today of course went to jesses. many beers. Staggered to the movies.

7/9 Finally arranged tour to Montreal and NY for August. s. is playing some of my songs on radio, says I'm a musical genius. yeah. awright. Yesterday party at R in Santa Cruz. Went with mT and C. Fun, daiquries of melon, banana, mangos, berries, lots of pot, banana peppers, met a couple who work with dolphins at Monterey said I should come and sing to the dolphins. 2 radio shows coming up, morning concerts "Wild Women" and "Best of Music" August NY and Montreal, for Sept 28 must have My Pleasure and Answer finished.

Dreamt was on a farm in the winter back east in Quebec. Slid down a snowy icy slope with Helen, we were holding hands and screaming and laughing, when we got to the end we cheered "Yeah!" It was grand.