received from Barbara Golden on oct 20 1996 copyright 3003w

Journals 1989 May 93

#12 Berkeley. Santa Fe. Death Valley. Hayward. 1989

DREAM Cremin phoned by accident really early and I had awful dreams about him. Carol was floating around and I was trying to keep them apart. He was in a gray suit, very tidy, very cool and handsome, and wouldn't touch me but had some sort of savings bond for me. Anyway Carol needed a dollar so I was scurrying around. finally David gave me a few silver dollars and I was running down either Cote des Neiges in Montreal or University in Berkeley wearing my old beige duffel coat. I was clutching a few silver dollars in each hand and worried I'd be mugged. someone was behind me. I decided to cross the street. Suddenly I got spun around and I fell still holding the silver dollars. someone had grabbed the hood of my coat. I wondered, why am I running here to find her, she's probably with him. Also dreamt that David had another son besides Cornelius named Maron.

DREAMT that I was married to Saul again, have no idea why--my recurring dream, so unhappy, so happy to wake up and find it is a dream.

17 Sept 86 LONESOME So lonely, Toy forgot I was coming over and was with his old girlfriend. J & C, and S & W so tight--I have no one. Watch, W. will get a boyfriend, then I'll really be alone. I'm all alone no career, and will die alone.

18 Sept SEX Sex was on his mind I could smell it in His brain I could see it in his Leer.

DREAM Dreamt that my mother was keeping me locked in the house and I escaped and hid out elsewhere. Very weird.

12:30 AM HAPPY Great day! Played piano, worked 6 hours at Fine Print non-stop, then to Good Vibrations where T. bought me a butt plug. to South Park Cafe--Toyoji met me there, we had a bottle of Cote du Rhone and all the tapas in the place, and raspberry sherbet. Then was supposed to see Helen but finked out and went to see John Cage and Merce Cunningham. great! Saw Tom--he phone...Went drinking with Toy at Triple Rock. Met Steed, Zonar and a young cute violinist.

20 Sept 86 Now H mad at me. Said I stood her up. Said she's tired of doing all the work. I said she was wrong, that she was doing alot but not all. I insulted L. because I'm jealous, she's so excited by music but her taste is unformed. DREAM: Dreamt I was in passionate lust with this man. Blonde, looked like Ross but the affair was like with David or Philippe and I was painting these gorgeous paintings, some very pointillistic or impressionistic but very masterful, never achieved in real life but a recurring and vivid dream. The paintings were of houses, water, flowers, skies. Then the man died. I am sad. later-- Better. Good day at Gallo Center. Fine Print the Mad Hatter's Tea Party. Dinner at H and A, we finished the proposal. The film'll be great! Hope we get the $10,000...No money for rent. Nada.

23 Sept No money at all. Have not paid September rent. DREAM: People were after me. Was with Melody. Running through one of those corrugated steel pre-fab buildings. It was located along the beach. Running up and down stairs, hiding in closets, would think I was free and then come eye to eye, face to face with someone that was the enemy and the pursuit would start again. The place was like a lab. Then lost Melody and was on my own. Then I decided to pretend I wasn't running and fake-sauntered out the front. A man in a uniform was driving a VW bug. I hailed him and he drove me away. We saw these big humanoid bushes on the street.

DREAMT that M was in town and I didn't know. Turned out that my ex-husband Saul had had a get rich scheme and made all my current friends, starving artists give money and then he either took off with the funds, but definitely lost the money. Anyway, I never knew any of this and only found out after the fact but everyone was mad at me, they thought I had known. But I read about it in the paper. I was thinking of taking out a whole page ad in the newspaper explaining my side. Went with Marc, Lutzia, and Suzers to see The Residents do Elvis. Good but I wasn't thrilled, I want to see their faces. Finished proposal for IS THIS MY BODY, swam a mile. HAPPY. T really cute!

TRAVEL HARBIN: WE HAVE PLUNGED INTO medium hot pools, hot pools, scalding pools, icy pools, swam, everyone is naked. Now it is night and we are stalling, because it's fucking cold and we have not tent. Have plunged into pools all fuckin day but now all I have to do is worry about being fuckin freezing. Susie says there is dew on people's sleeping bags already. Finally went out under the stars and large waning moon. Very cold. Back home in new apartment, one flight up, so pretty. Better quality of life. Pink clouds, turquois sky, sunset in the west, my heart is sad.

26 Sept DREAMT that I was at some fancy debutante college, girls were there in long formal evening gowns diving and swimming in the snow on ski hills, a little boy dove in head first out a window into the snow--apparently it was the "thing to do" if you were really hip and macho. Midnight, saw T earlier from 5-7 in his studio. We talked alot and cuddled, he put his hand inside my T-shirt. It is good to go slow and have something to look forward to..

28 Sept Feel depressed about not applying for gigs and not getting gigs. Maybe J doesn't want to be with me because I am such a failure. Got quite a few hours accompanying, though. But I am a failure. Fritatta and ceviche are very overrated foods, I'm sorry. Met Allan Crossman at South Park for beer and tapas. Sweet person. It's raining. Even acid rain is better than no rain. Reading these wonderful short stories by Anne Finger. This evening driving home on 80 East it was drizzling, but the sun setting over the Golden Gate made the sky a bright orange-grey.

1 Oct Went out with M. We missed Toy's perf. Feel guilty. Hope he won't be really mad. Depressed, afraid, that any proposal I submit will be rejected. m is on 2 records, everyone doing great but me. Alvin Curran was smitten with me. It was fun talking to him at Zunis. Earlier in the evening B came over with beer and played Debussy preludes in the waning light. Went to Fort Mason to see AC's piece. too jolty and postmodern and long, love his music concrete and piano, why this, but great meeting him, cute and laughed at all my jokes. M. says I should not sleep with T. Wonder if he's right. Afraid to be sick, to have no lover, no status no money. Afraid I will bore people with my woes. Afraid I am just like my father and am going to turn out bitter and disappointed. It's happening already and I AM SO FAT!!!

1 oct Wonderful day and weekend! Just hope that I follow through. I have this idea gotten from mark--Pink Pleasure, interactive computer thing. 100 slides naked maya, 10 themes of music of 10 notes each. The picnic dreary but the beach was so beautiful, forgot the worries. The sky and water, shades of gray and dark green.

20 Oct Woke up thinking about Mum, she seems so frail, hope they get away to Florida. the colors yesterday, pearl grays, white waves in black water, the occasional blue of the sky, black-green low tide kelp, even the food on the plates, pink salmon, green pesto, whitey pinkey, green mayonnaise. m. was great to have here he gave me some hope, he also said that I am a great composer, and whenever M & M talk about great composers in the Bay area they name me. Talked to Toyoji last night after dinner at Ma's, he said it is sad and lonely to sleep alone, I kind of denied it and said I was used to it, which I am, but I realized how much I would love to sleep more with R. I hope that A tells R that he met a beautiful woman, moi, etc. Scared for the radio show. What else is new?

DREAMT was at Cape Cod and walked very far to Nauset Beach. There were tons of people and the tide was very high, and there was this huge slope of sand up which the water was rising higher and higher. Didn't even go in the water because I had to be back wherever it was that I was staying. Sofie and Willie were somewhere around but I'm not sure where. The sea, sky, and sand were fresh and real. Then I got woken up by KA my neighbor on the phone.

Yesterday went to marvin's shell station to try to get him to Talk of the Town to see the video of "LIfestyles". He wouldn't budge because he was having his own party at the back of the service station in his little bar. What a fuckin hoot! Drinking Bushmills with beer chasers, hotdogs nuked in the M-wave wrapped in tortillas. Skeeter, marv's best friend was a drag, though, an ex-Angel with busy hands. Then Corinne shows up to meet me just as I am on the phone to Rod the bartender at Jesse's , a big girl with long hair.

4 Oct, God I am so depressed, what if I die before I accomplish anything? Call David Harrington, do Take me Out to the Ballgame, Pink Pleasure.

9 Oct, the radio show on the 5th went well. Plenty of callers. Came home he didn't want to do it, I did, we did it. The next morning we lay in bed talking about playing doctor, drank coffee, I don't want to be hurt. he has a nice dick. Gray chest hair. White body, very skinny, but a little pot belly of which he is ashamed. Not much pubic hair. When we got in bed after the show I said I didn't want to do it because he was married, just snuggle, he said fine, but then we started to fool around, he found my clit and I turned to fire and then he made me come whispering to me with his finger on my clit. Then he got big and said I want to stick it into you and I said yes, and of course I had my period and there was blood everywhere.

10 Oct T came for breakfast and said he was jealous and what was happening to US. I am confused. I HAVE NO MONEY. Angklung good.

12Oct Patrick took our pics. Hope one at least is good. DREAMT went rolling and sliding down a huge sand hill with Teryl Saunders. Read poetry at Cal yesterday, loved it. Read from Home Cooking, Peter, If You Hate Anchovies, Clear Gray Eyes, Aristopahanes/Sophocles, It's My Pony, Then read MY Will, Inventory of a New York Straight Crossdresser, Bolinas, and 2 Greek Poems"Daffy Dafia Bacchanalia" and "A Typical Day in the Tourists Life" Had a Beer with Ivan. Depressed wrote R a nasty note, sorry I did it with T. My daughter's my half sister Her daddy's my daddy's her grampa I'm 15, wanna go to school But she's an innocent unborn child conceived a month ago.

Oct 89 Fri the 13th Yawned and a tear dropped into the toilet with a plash and later that day at the rec center I was in such a rush, I dropped all my keys into the toilet.

Chris Davis came by and we made out on the roof. He taught me how to spackel. Just as I was explaining to him how smart God was, the fact that a guy of six six could do 69 with a five foot tall woman, Brian Roche, six, six called . What a coincidence

17 Oct I have returned home. I was playing at a dance class for the kids, suddenly it sounded likes rocks on the roof, the piano slid away. 7. something earthquake, the Bay Bridge is down, my house is unscathed. From the roof I see San Francisco burning. Write music now cause you're gonna die. Went to drink with my mechanic Marvin, a tumbler full of Bushmills straight. Before the quake I swam a mile, I kept singing Melody's song "Outword Over Matter" It is gypsyish, romantic, I always think, Would Willie like it? I am sitting at my piano smoking a joint and sobbing. Smoke hangs over Berkeley. There are major fires. Helicopters are cruising. T phoned he is ok, thinks my stationary is sexy, sirens wail. Went over to Toy's did not want to be alone. We drank tons of red wine, I made fries, I stuffed money into my bra and made him take it out with his teeth. We slept together and touched toes. We bought Mumms champagne and brought it to the roof and drank. I had on a shawl and black see-through dress.

20 Oct Feel guilty that I am not doing anything to help people who were badly affected by the quake. have done nothing but drink, lounge and play piano. DREAMT was at a fancy restaurant , a business dinner with Japanese people, the women were wearing very dressy but conservative cocktail dresses, then as the evening went on and conviviality increased they all changed into gorgeous smashing black short dresses with silver blond wigs it was a trip. Going to George Clinton tonight, but how to get into the City.

Oct 21 spent the day with T, we saw two movies, drank everywhere, fought, depressed about being with him if we fight. DREAMT I had huge hunks of hair, quantities which I kept hacking off my head. There are still bodies trapped in the Cypress Street freeway that snapped shut in the quake. Guilty. Took Bart and saw Les miz with Sofie. R phoned happy I am alive. More articulate than he's been in a long time.

24 Oct Yesterday disturbing day with The New Puritans, Paul and his new wife. she says I am inappropriate in my choice of language and discussion and doesn't want to hear that Marion divorced Allen because he wouldn't go down on her. What is wrong with that I ask you. FUCK THAT SHIT. DRINK SWEAR ETC. Met Richard's friend after angklung, good practice, at Carrerra's. OK but so serious. I am always suspicious of people who don't eat meat.

DREAMT THAT Charles Shere organized a concert of a tape of mine in Montreal. People could mill around and talk and there would be my tape, of ambient sound. Then I was suddenly at another concert and Braxton was playing somewhere in the country. It was great how you got out of the hall, by escalator and moving sidewalks made of red foam against a light green meadow, we were all walking the wrong way on it. Spent the day with K, fun saw Wes Craven film with JB. then lay on the bed and watched the A's slaughter the Giants. guilty again, no work, no gigs nothing. Dad sick, his finger bone is infected, will he have to have his finger cut off? No money, everyone more successful than I. I weigh 140!!! I am getting hateful, bitter and envious.

1:00 AM The day turned out great. Met Sheila, then J, C, M, were waiting at home and some pot, swam a mile, came home, read, did dishes, what a bore I am. then went on Schipplings motorcycle to J's birthday party. I wore black high heels, white hose, white polka-dotted bobby socks, a black suede mini skirt a teddy, a cashmere tight cardigan and a long wool coat. I looked good, my hair shiny and blond with a big bang over one eye. The dinner was at a Mexican restaurant in the Castro.

DREAMT OF more earthquakes, loading stuff into a VW like the end of the world. P and M were in and out which didn't help matters at all. Saw a big skyscraper swaying. The sky was all black with an eerie light permeating the atmosphere. Also had a parallel dream about being in Korea in some government deal with the moderates fighting the leftists who were dressed in robes. We Were in a crowded government room ad I was wondering when to flee.

Believe it or not, these are supposed to be oranges! I cant think I cant paint money is freaking me. Wandering around in a torn nightgown squeezing blackheads with a compact mirror propped against the kitchen window eating the last of the peanut butter out of the jar. A little happier, eating cinnamon toast drinking tea, writing a few sporadic, desultory notes.

5 Nov Have to get up and fact the day. Write the song. Know now it won't get you anywhere but it will make you and possibly Melody happier. Very embarrassed that at the angklung gig made a big error in nades Slemah. Then really scared that I would space out but didn't. spoke to KZ and she gave me advice about boys. Never by the pursuer. So Guess I see no boys at New Years or whenever cuz I am always the pursuer. Anthony hated Wigband. Blue as can be. m keeps coming into town and not phoning. But I am seeing BT on Saturday and starting to work on Pink Pleasure, so I guess I can go on. ........