received from Barbara Golden on oct 20 1996 copyright 1775w

Journal Aug 1984

12 Oct On the first, did KPFA Best of MUSIC, Oct 29 My Pleasure and Answer have to be ready, Nov 1, Malvina Revue at La Pena, nov 5 Wild Women radio show, Nov 11 Sf Symphony at Grace Cathedral, nov 29, Home Cooking book party at Old Wives Tale. Getting 13 boys to read the 13 poems. Last Sat at midnight saw Jim and Lucy, he was a bit amorous, but had to take Lucy home, sun blue blue blue then to Barney's to tape. The first base hit I had was so relaxing I cried and cried. Stayed over there. Tue taped My Pleasure swimming with DH, fucked , a mercy fuck on my part, I am not turned on, it is the last time. Wed Tregar and orena, dinner here art show. Supposed to go out w Georgie last night I fell asleep he was too late, Fri night My pleasure vocal writing like pulling teeth. Finally had a decent phone conversation with WW. Sumners are interviewing Yoko in NYC am jealous. Being caressed softly with the whip between ones legs, someone casually smoking a cigarette, taking their time, then head close to your crotch, a tall handsome cold looking stranger in net stockings and a black nylon nightgown clamping your nipples and handcuffing your hands above your head, tying your legs wide apart and wait for the sound and the sting of the whip. later you chante into leather and you grind your heels into his chest and mouth. You whip him lightly then a little harder, he groans and twitches slightly, you do it harder and harder, turn him over and slip the ring of the whip up him, and grease 3 fingers you tie and whip it. Drink a little vodka.

Back to reality, waiting for Paul Haverty to come over and we'll go swimming then to Barneys to discuss taping tomorrow. Really infatuated with Faroe now, madly in lust with D but no future, he is not here, is he? Also want to revive the DB playmate syndrome, why not. have to record Tampon rag with the four vocal parts. susie Stone says she will record it, also Mum should send all my bird books so I can do some bird paintings, and self portraits with birds and flowers. major 85 projects, get Home cooking reviewed, My pleasure, tomorrow, Wild Women now, Malvina Nov Dec 84, Tampon Rag Nov 84, Boner Girl cassette Winter 85, Thank Heaven for Little Girls (never done), Meet Kenny in Europe in June 85. Slides of the self-portraits, swim....

sun okay I know I did a good piece My pleasure is beautiful, I love it. I need some money fast. Was at Pregos sitting with George at a window table, there is a tapping on the window and there is this little guy, George beckons him in and introduces me to Chick Corea, my mouth is open. Mum is 72, I feel so far away, Nov 4. I am so busy, My Pleasure and Answer were well received got some vocal coaching to pass my audition for SF Symphony Chorus, sang sylvie then Boner boys. the guy says we can talk about your low notes but right now all I want to do is tear off your clothes and I can never resist the bold approach. paul h is a good date but how interested is he? I think as a friend. His two friends took us out for dinner on Halloween, wally owns an island near Australia or Tahiti, we had splits of champagne, grilled eggplant, swordfish, prosciutto and melon, chocolate decadence...went up to filbert steps to see 100s of jackolanterns with candles flickering in them on the hillside...

Dec 84 My best boyfriends buy me tampons, batteries for my vibrator, tape, and cocaine. Dreamt on an island like Kalymnos, the sponge fisherman island these underwater swimmers went out mostly men a few women in some kind of craft, a cross between submarines and canoes, to collect what, I don't know, worked for the king it was like being on a greek island like the sponge divers and fishermen, anyway it was exciting and beautiful hard boisterous rollicking existence, large pine forests on cliffs overlooking the sea with lots of dry needles and soft brush on the beach. A little kid fellinto the water up to his neck and just casually jumped out, that's the way it was there.

Xmas Eve got invited to 5 things, just stayed home, Xmas day went with Paul to Michael Wlds. so many black women there, his ex, her mom, her sister, someone else's pregnant girlfriend, a guy from Singapore who was really sexy. Love the way Michael served the food same way as me, the food in the pans straight from the oven and the plates all stacked, had fun. Think Paul treading water with me waiting for Ms Right to come along. Jan 1 85 Dreamt lived at the sea it was ok at first all a brilliant blue, don't know if the people were white or black, everything fine, like Molivos. Then Johanna started having things done to her like dummies made of her her own clothes would suddenly be hanging all over the house , one of the dummies had a silver neck on a pipe, covered with glitter, a coat of mail. she started freaking and at the end she took a big armful of her clothes and dumped them, meanwhile at my house which was like the Rose Street house the first thing I noticed was that the lock on one door was hanging by one screw then looked at the front door, it was our front door on Rose and EVERY LOCK WAS GONE I freaked and called "Mum" but I was so scared I couldn't get the words out, I called really soft and low, that just about woke me up I was so scared then I went to my bedroom and noticed some round worms or insects, dull gray brown, moving around, I squashed a few with a kleenex but knew they'd been planted to freak me, also there were a few baby insects. and the toilet paper dispenser was missing, but it was the locks that freaked me.

Went with paul to see Kronos and had so much fun socializing, after, at dinner.. Joan la Barbara, Don, susie Stone, Charles A, the Kronoids etc. Am resentful of P, I have no money and he has so much he is afraid of being taking advantage of, so he makes me pay bridge tolls, he should just hang out with rich people I yelled at him and they can all talk about their taxes. Dreamt that driving the old orange VW and the brakes would not work and was driving up on lawns. Then at this fancy party in a mansion on Nob Hill connected to some school, probably Frank and Bill quists place on Sacramento. I had Robert with me, but he was a girl, and he disappeared and I was absolutely frantic, I thought of Kevin Collins and all those kids and I wept and realized those people wont see those kids EVER again.

The day got better, phoned Paul, we went swimming, came here and had salads, then I made liver and he made guacamole, he didn't want to go the wine cellar and get wine for the liver and wine for me to bring to the Castro movies, and I yelled why, because the wine is $50 wine, for gods sake, but a case of $5 wines from now on, slum it. so we brought red wine in a mason jar, and watched jean harlow, Ava, Grace clark in MOGAMBO and China Seas, went to a party at the Billboard and then danced at the Stud. Sun Feb 3 The usual sick blah feeling, I walk into the kitchen the boys are bonding, and Barb clears the room within nanoseconds. Great! The leper stalks again. Life confusing wild fabulous interesting. need sex bad. Cant wait till mar 1 and NYC. all so restless and yearning and too diverting, doesn't make art.

I know he loves me but not the kind of love I want. Though very companionable and close. feb 12 Hi book very coked out and satiated, fell very excited and nervous spending too much time with him and having high wonderful clean times, wonder how involved he'll get with R and if it will make me turn away we'll see, don't want to get too commited ha ha were in very deep but no sex which is probably for the best but I'm climbing the walls. mel. back, so happy. Feb 24 Fucking lonely know P loves me but as a friend. Bounced from Deer ROSE because we are going to Montreal.. quit malvina. Dreamt was on a bus with Robert in my arms pressed tightly against my breast, he seemed very comfortable, at the top of the hill the bus suddenly started going backwards down the hill I said to Robs, look the bus is going backwards he said no it isn't. I said Were you comfortable on the bus? He said no. Then met my mother she was really distressed there had been "a rodent" in the house, probably a squirrel and caterpillars and she was complaining how fat she was and holding the material of her dress to her body to show me her stomach. For some reason , then , I was in the hospital, just sitting in bed for days, all white, no visitors, then someone brought me cocaine, then I was a t a performance throwing string beans on one guy who was on stage. Feel happy, pretty, just swam.

Fri mar 29 just sang Brahms Requiem. Feel good, beautiful day, did Cracko Dawn, accounting with melody, paul came to M & M and she gave us haircuts, Lunch at Bay wolf then old cousin margie's barbershop in the Tenderloin. Wrote to pauline Kael and she phoned me at the office! We met her last week at the bookstore. Had Linda Montano on the radio show. Really attracted to her. She was tied with a 10 foot rope to someone for one year solid. Now she is doing a seven-year piece, about the chakras, so for one year she wears one of the seven colors only, purses, shoes, the color of her walls and only listens to one tone for one year. Red, orange, yellow, blue, green violet. Imagine the yrs of orange and yellow! EASTER Sunday 85